Deep In Love

This is a personal rant.

I need to let something out.

Well... maybe not a rant... a rant is more like, complaining, and I guess I'm not complaining... I think...

I don't know.  Call it what you'd like.  I'm calling it a venting session, how about that.

I'm coughing like crazy - each cough brings hell throughout my body.  My throat burns and scratches as it jerks up each hack.  My head throbs and pounds at my temples afterwards.  My stomach thrusts and leaps each time I have the urge to cough again.  My legs and feel flail, hitting something around me.  My chest tightens, and my sides contract to pinch my whole body into a pain that's inescapable.

Coughing is DEPRESSING people!

Okay, that was a bit of dark humor, I'll admit it.  (Insert smiley face emoticon here for humorous effect.)

God, I miss her.  Best thing that ever hopped into my life - EVER - and it turns out, my absence was causing her physical pain.  Physical pain.  I can't believe I did that!  I can't believe I caused the person I'm in love with pain!  It makes me angry at myself.  Fuming.  I punch my pillow every night, just to see if I can make that hurt instead of her.  But every time I try... every... single... time... I only think more and more of how I hurt her.

So that's why it had to end.  Because if it went on where my not being there was causing that, it would have killed her.

I said I could handle it.  I can handle a bit of pain.  And I can - it's just... I need to vent right now.  In a few months, it'll all be over somehow.  I'm just feeling so... so...

...for lack of better words, so sad.  So depressed right now.

Because I was in love with her.

I knew there would be a day where we'd have to break it off:  she wants kids, a loving and supporting husband, a family.  Also known as, something I can't give her.  And I'd feel awful taking that away from her.  But... but I just wanted to hold on.  Just hold on for as long as I can.  Why?  Tch...

Because she's perfect.  Her hair is a perfect brunette that perfectly brings our her facial features.  Her eyes - her ever-changing eyes - when you shined the light just right on them, they could be God's eyes.  And even if the light wasn't on them in that exact spot, she had this stare, this look, so powerful and illuminating that you can't resist their sparkle.  I'd kill to see her smile.  There wasn't a time where I saw her smile that I didn't get those butterflies in my stomach.  I still do.  Am I a creep?  I still get those butterflies, because that smile just makes me think, "She loves life so much, and she's just so amazing."  Even her flaws are perfect.  They're what make her who she is, and damnit I love who she is.  Love her so much.

And yet I was killing her.

I'll forgive myself eventually - selfishly forgive myself.  I know she was happy with me.  I know it for fact, for true.  I don't know if I've made her the happiest, because man, that woman loves her mother, but I'm pretty close.  And if she was happy like that once, she can do it again.

Just next time, it needs to be without me... unfortunately...

She took in all my love.  I have so much love to give.  I am a big ball of loving energy - I'll love you with all I have.  Everything.  And when I don't have anyone to give that love to... it reverses it self and implodes on me, then I become like this.  I become sick.  I become depressed.  I become physically hurt.  I become cold.  I become sleepy.  I become what you might like to call the Anti-Fluffy, so-to-speak.

But.  It's.  Worth.  It.

I'll do anything.  Give anything.  Say anything.  Just to make sure she's happy and healthy.

I'm crazy, I know.

But that is how deeply I'm in love with her.

I'd literally take a bullet from her.  I'd give her my physical heart.  I'd give her both my kidneys.  I'd give her my hand.  I've given her my emotional heart already - I'll just have to admire her from afar.

I want to cry.

But I can't.

Because quite frankly, I haven't been drinking enough water since I've been sick.